The Christmas Tree 🎄 🌲

I’m sitting here on a Monday morning in December typing out what I feel God has been downloading into my mind all weekend to write here for not just you who is reading this, but for me too. I can’t write without him. It’s therapeutic. This is what he gave me this week.

It’s December. Beautiful lights and my favorite Christmas music. Thoughts of love and peace and most importantly our Savior’s birth. Normally in past years there would be snowfall which made those Christmas lights a little more of the image of that magic of Christmas spirit that people talk about.

This year is different for my youngest daughter and I. She is 19 and we moved from Vermont where I was born, grew up and lived my whole adult life raising my kids, until 5 ½ months ago to Louisanna. We will be back in Vermont to visit during Christmas to see our family and friends, but spending the month of Christmas in a different state 1,700+ miles away from where we called home has brought some feelings out that God wants me to share here.

Another December has come around again. The 3rd actually. After the first one, God had brought me through quite the boot camp of healing just six months after my ex husband left. I laugh now because it was only six months, but it felt like so much longer back then with what God had shown me about myself and all the work we did in me at that time. When Facebook memories come up of scripture verses or inspirational quotes or something clever, I want to say to my old self “Girl, you have no idea!! You have so much more to go through and learn. You have no idea what is ahead of you.” It’s funny in some moments, we think, “wow, I’ve come a long way from where I was. Things are going along pretty good” and then the Lord puts his finger on something else that you didn’t even know was there. Bear with me. Three Christmases later, this is one of those times.

In December, no matter what state you live in, people are putting up their Christmas trees. I always loved the peace I felt of the twinkling clear lights bouncing off of the garland and ornaments on a December night in my living room. The lights intertwined in the pine garland around the fireplace with stockings hung. It’s beautiful and I have the pictures I posted every year to remind me of just how beautiful it was. It was a family’s Christmas tree. It was my family. It feels different now. To put up a Christmas tree. I actually was never great at letting my kids in on decorating the tree. I was so focused on making it look perfect for those pictures, that I missed out on some great memories we could have made. I regret that, but I can’t change it. Twenty years of Christmas trees and memories of my ex husband and I putting together gifts, last minute wrapping, and putting our kids gifts under the tree for them to wake up in the morning to see. I want to tell my old self “hey cherish these moments. Live in them and take a picture in your memory. Enjoy them. Don’t forget this time. It doesn’t last long. You aren’t going to have this time in your life forever,” but I can’t. There’s no rewind button in life. It’s different now. Still 3 ½ years later. It’s different. Not only because my ex husband and I are divorced, but because my kids are now grown. I’m writing this and fighting tears as God is showing me there is pain there. I didn’t realize it until now.

Last Christmas, I put up a small pre lit fake tree I bought at Hobby Lobby that I didn’t even decorate. I had Christmas with my kids with their gifts not under, but around and beside this little baby tree. My oldest daughter’s boyfriend wanted to come in and put up a real Christmas tree when I wasn’t home. That actually would have been pretty funny, but my daughter advised him against it. I just was not into decorating a tree. I thought what goes up must come down and thought it would be more hassle than anything. Maybe it would be more fun when I had Christmas to share with someone again. Maybe next Christmas after all the work God and I had been through together, I would put up a tree with someone special that God put in my life.

Another December is here and that has not happened. I’m not saying I sit around all the time and feel sorry for myself that I’m single. I don’t, but there are moments that it hurts more than others and this is one of those times. I’m single by choice. (You may be asking, then why are you complaining then?) I could be with someone just to fill an empty space in my life with just anyone, but I would still be left with that feeling of emptiness that only Jesus can fill. I don’t want to be with just anyone. He won’t be perfect. I’m not either. I know God will show me when he’s finished with what he’s doing in and through me and in him. Whomever he is. Even in my most lonely moments, I know God is with me. He doesn’t promise that we won’t feel or be lonely, but he promises to be in those moments with us. To the women young or older who are in a single season during another Christmas season that has come for the first time or another one around again, hear this. I’m saying this to myself too. These are not my words, but the words that God is giving me for you to see too. If God is going to use me like I pray for and ask him to, I guess I will have to feel these things first, so I can tell you. Don’t listen to that voice that taunts you in the lonely moments. The voice that says “it will always be like this. That you will always be alone and no one will ever really love you. No one will understand you. The voice that says that everything God promised is a lie. That distorts things (making it sound pretty convincing.) Don’t listen to it!! It’s not from God. The only way to fight this voice spewing lies from the pit of hell in your mind is to get in your Bible. If you don’t know how to use the Bible, get on the You Version Bible app and type in what you’re needing in God’s word to comfort you. Do you need HOPE? Do you need to understand God’s LOVE. Do you need STRENGTH? Do you need HEALING? Are you ANGRY? Do you need FORGIVENESS or do you need to FORGIVE someone? Do you need COMFORT or do you have ANXIETY or DEPRESSION? Or do you feel LONELINESS? You can type pretty much any feeling or thought into the search bar and God has just what you need in his words. Fight for your mind and let God in your heart with the greatest tool God gave us to battle a fight we were never meant to do on our own. Most importantly, find a church and your community that can hold you up in prayer on the days that you just don’t have the strength. If you don’t know where to go, talk to God and ask him. He will give you direction in the place he wants you to be.

You will have these moments, but they won’t last forever. The enemy of your soul knows what will hurt you. He knows the things to throw at you to try and take you off the road God has you on. It’s his job. I got in my car today and I don’t think I have heard this song since my mom listened to her when I was growing up. Celine Dion’s “All By Myself” At that point I just laughed and said “that’s the best you got?? That must mean I’m really close to what God has for me. I must really be bothering you! Nope!! NOT today Satan!! It’s laughable at this point.

I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.]Philippians 4:13 AMP

Get in God’s word and those thoughts will go away. You have to make the decision to worship and follow Jesus even when it hurts because it’s in that pain where he meets you. Praise him and thank him in the painful times. They will come, but they will go.

Don’t look at those random messages of men or women. (I’m perfectly aware that not just women are going through a single season that they didn’t ask for or expect.) I haven’t struggled with this in particular. I’m pretty dismissive of any “random” (and I use that term lightly) messages. but I know there are people who do. Don’t open them. Don’t even entertain the thought. It’s a counterfeit. You have their attention, but it’s not the kind you want. Delete and block. There will always be attention you can get like that they will say things in the moment that appear to make you “feel wanted.” This won’t last. It’s just a fantasy world that sucks you in. When you would be in a position of living real life with whatever person who you’re talking to, you would see that. You’re worth more than this. Don’t give your attention to a person who can’t and doesn’t know how to love you or anyone. It will only lead to making you feel even more empty after. It will only leave you wanting more to fill a hole only Jesus can fill.

One of my very favorite stories in the Bible is when a paralyzed man’s friends tore off the roof to get their friend to Jesus for the healing he needed. There was a huge crowd and the only way to Jesus was through the roof. The friends knew that if they could just get him to Jesus that he would be healed. Jesus was so moved by the faith of paralyzed man’s friends.

One day as He was teaching, there were Pharisees and teachers of the Law sitting there who had come from every village of Galilee and Judea and from Jerusalem. And the power of the Lord was present with Him to heal. Some men came carrying on a stretcher a man who was paralyzed, and they tried to bring him in and lay him down in front of Jesus. But finding no way to bring him in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof [and removed some tiles to make an opening] and lowered him through the tiles with his stretcher, into the middle of the crowd, in front of Jesus. When Jesus saw their [active] faith [springing from confidence in Him], He said, “Man, your sins are forgiven.” The scribes and the Pharisees began to consider and question [the implications of what He had said], saying, “Who is this man who speaks blasphemies [by claiming the rights and prerogatives of God]? Who can forgive sins [that is, remove guilt, nullify sin’s penalty, and assign righteousness] except God alone?” But Jesus, knowing their [hostile] thoughts, answered them, “Why are you questioning [these things] in your hearts? Which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? But, in order that you may know that the Son of Man (the Messiah) has authority and power on earth to forgive sins”—He said to the paralyzed man, “I say to you, get up, pick up your stretcher and go home.” He immediately stood up before them, picked up his stretcher, and went home glorifying and praising God. They were all astonished, and they began glorifying God; and they were filled with [reverential] fear and kept saying, “We have seen wonderful and incredible things today!”Luke 5:17‭-‬26 AMP

The friends that tore the roof off to get their friend to Jesus, that’s me. It is no mistake you are reading this right now. I know it hurts sometimes. It’s been 3 ½ years for me in this journey of divorce I didn’t expect or want. Some may think “shouldn’t you be kind of over it by now?” Move on…seriously!!” To that, I would say, of course. I have moved forward in my life, but there are moments where grief comes that you don’t expect or know is there. Grief from a life of what was and what could have been. No I don’t live in the what could have happened mindset, but that doesn’t mean those moments don’t come. Divorce changes the life and trajectory of not just the husband and wife, but of children and whole families. God has healed me and continues to work in my heart. He took the feelings I had for my ex husband that I never thought would go away. I have peace in that. I pray for him and want good things for his life. I love him for the years we spent together and for our children and grandchildren we do and will share, but not in the way I used to. God brought me to that place and it’s important to remember that when grief comes in like a tsunami.

What does it even mean that I say that I am a friend that would tear the roof off to get their friend to Jesus? It means that, if you are the one reading this and it hurts to celebrate Christmas as a single person now, I’ve been there and I know I can’t fix your pain and make it not hurt anymore, but I can point you to the only one who can. I can and I will pray for anyone reading these very words that God gave me. I am still there sometimes when the grief comes trying to steal my joy. I know what it feels like to go to friends or family’s houses where there are all couples and you feel like the tag along friend. For the most part I’m ok with that and I really do enjoy my life. God has given me such a great life and great friends who love me and are there for me, but there are tears that come out of no where sometimes. Memories that creep up in the form of grief that you didn’t even know was in there inside of you ready to spill out at the most random times. I’ve learned it’s ok to cry and be in that moment with God. That used to be very hard for me. I used to just stuff it and try and plow through. Now God brings those tears out and says “ok, now lets feel this and deal with it.” I know what it feels like to not know where you always fit in your friend groups or in even in church. Even though God has put amazing beautiful friends in your life that point you to Jesus, there are times that they just won’t understand because they have no way of knowing and that’s not their fault. Only someone who is or has gone through divorce could really know the struggle to find your place and way in these times of grief of the “death” in a marriage. I know that God can heal so much, but that doesn’t stop the unexpected feelings that flood your mind in a season when the memories of Christmas together with your old family and old life seem to come out of nowhere. God sees you. I had to feel this, so I could pray for you. So he could give me the words to write this. If I didn’t know how it feels, then I wouldn’t know how to pray for you.

Hold on friend. Your blessings are coming. Even in the blessings, life won’t be perfect. Things don’t always go the way we want them to, but what God has for you will be beautiful if you wait for him to show you. Through the tears and pain of these moments, run to Jesus. Run to him and his word and he will hold you and heal you. It won’t last forever. I know there are times it feels that way. Hold on friend. Crank up that song “All By Myself” and sing it loud and proud!! Actually, maybe don’t do that. Some praise and worship music would be a better choice. Turn it up loud and let the Devil know who he’s messing with. These words are for me too. I’ve felt the pain you have, so I will pray for you and tear off the roof to get you to Jesus for your healing. You may be single, but you’re not alone, friend. God is with you. There will be a moment when December and the Christmas season come around again and your single season will be over. Enjoy these moments with God. Tell yourself “hey cherish these moments. Live in them and take a picture in your memory. Enjoy them. Don’t forget this time. It doesn’t last long. You aren’t going to have this time in your life forever.” Let God use you in this single season of your life.

One Christmas I will be able to look back at this memory of what I wrote. I will be in the middle of the promises that God has made me. My promise is close and so is yours. Hold on. Those feelings. Those thoughts. They aren’t from God, but he can use them to draw you closer to him. Hold on to Jesus. Remember, feelings are fickle and they don’t last, but Gods love for you is everlasting. I love you friend and God loves you more. Put up your Christmas Tree and I will too.

There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven—Ecclesiastes 3:1 AMP

He has made everything beautiful and appropriate in its time. He has also planted eternity [a sense of divine purpose] in the human heart [a mysterious longing which nothing under the sun can satisfy, except God]—yet man cannot find out (comprehend, grasp) what God has done (His overall plan) from the beginning to the end.Ecclesiastes 3:11 AMP

Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything [every circumstance and situation] by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your [specific] requests known to God. And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours]. Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart]. The things which you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things [in daily life], and the God [who is the source] of peace and well-being will be with you.Philippians 4:6‭-‬9 AMP