Mother’s Love

I see the day I first found out about you and I wanted you so much

I couldn’t wait for the day when we could finally touch

I see you safe inside my arms on our first night together

Not knowing it was God’s voice saying remember this moment forever

In the dark hospital room with just you and me, you looked into my eyes

As I was trying to figure out your first cries

You didn’t want to sleep apart from me because you were just born

You wanted to be safe inside my arms where it was warm

I sang “You Are My Sunshine” over and over again on repeat

Until you finally closed your eyes and fell asleep

I see you on the first night when we took you home

You were bound and determined you would not sleep in your bassinet alone

The second night home you slept the whole night

Because you were wrapped in my arms so tight

I see you in your swing talking to Winnie the Pooh that hung on the side

I see the little pout you would make when you cried

I see you and I sitting in the rocking chair in your room reading nursery rhymes and Goodnight moon every night

And tucking you in beneath the glow of your angel night light

I see you waking up so happy, like nothing could ever ruin your day

With a big smile on your face and so much to say

I see you as I peered in through your bedroom door

And you looking up at me saying “I pretty mommy,” while playing with your make up on your bedroom floor

I see you before I even knew about you but thought I would have another daughter and what your name would be

I see your little hand moving inside of me

I see the day you were born, you did not want to come out of your small protected space

I see as you came out, your little hand held beside your face

I see you looking up at me when I was nursing you and milk dripping down your cheek to your ear

I see this moment so clear

I’m glad I have this memory, because it only lasted for a short while

You decided the bottle was easier for you and was more your style

I see me carrying you everywhere and never letting your feet hit the floor

And the doctors wondering why you weren’t crawling or walking yet for

Putting you on the floor instead of on my hip was key

In learning to finally take your first steps away from me

I see you quiet and observing in the background

Just watching and not making a sound

I see your arms crossed and your pout

I see you in the silence trying to figure things out

I see the day my heart was broken and torn apart

It was the day I stood up in church alone and invited Jesus in my heart

I was 8 months pregnant with you desperate for meaning

God led me to a church to find healing

I see the woman at a bible study praying over you while you were still inside of me saying words I will never forget

I thought of them the first time we met

That Jesus would be holding you in His hands when you came out

I held on to this promise without a doubt

I see you in your bassinet with your little eyes closed

Your thumb in your mouth and finger curled up over your nose

I see you nursing and biting me when you got your first teeth

It would startle me as I looked down at you with milk dribbling and a smile underneath

I see the strawberry mark in the shape of a heart on your face that they said would fade

Proof that you are fearfully and wonderfully made

I see you as you grew and asked me what it was and I told you it was an Angel kiss

I see all the moments I didn’t want to miss

I see you when I couldn’t find you in your bed

But had crawled up on top of the doll house and fell asleep instead

I see you in your Tinker Bell slippers and night gown

I see your little scowl and frown

I see you raise your hand and make that specific face

I see you marching with determination all over the place

I see you on my lap and us listening to our song

Not realizing then that time wouldn’t last long

I see me rocking you and holding you in my arms safely

And you looking up at me and saying “Mommy, I’ll always be your baby.”

I see you when I dropped you off for your first day of pre-k and watched you go off with your new little friends and I cried

You always were home with me and it would be different and it hurt so much inside

I see you reciting God’s word that you were learning in your pre-k class in your cute little voice

My friend told me I should record you, but I didn’t make that choice

I had plenty of time to do that as I thought in my head

That little voice changed to an older one before I knew it instead

I see you across the booth in McDonald’s on your fifth birthday so clearly

With tears filling my eyes of the older girl looking back at me

I wanted time to slow down because you were growing so fast

I realized it then, but the feeling didn’t last

The day I walked you down to the school bus for the first time I see

My eyes filled with tears and you saying “mommy, you’re embarassing me.”

I see the beautiful spirit and imagination you had

It didn’t matter the situation, you were always glad

I see the voice I tried to support, but didn’t have the tools

I see the bullying and tormenting from me and at school

It wasn’t done for me, so I wanted to encourage and believe in you

I made it about me and there was nothing you could do

I see me praying with you for the ones who tortured and picked on you and promising that they hurt you Because they were hurting too

I see you when you wanted to take your life one night when you were home

You thought you were all alone

Just as you were about to make that choice

You heard the Holy Spirit’s still small voice

I see you being born with a job that was assigned to you that never should have been ever

Mistakes were not an option for you ever

An endless deep well where you continued to pour

Until one day you just couldn’t keep it up anymore

I see you were judged for needing the very things you were giving to others

I see all the things I wish I protected you from as your mother

I see my little girl who was so quiet that your pre-k teacher said she shouldn’t go on to kindergarten the next year

But, I see looking back now, I think you were filled with fear

You had already learned to blend in like everything was okay

No one would know if you didn’t give them the words you wanted to say

Every year was a challenge for you with a new teacher to trust

Patience that they would need was a must

They labeled you and so did your peers

Reaffirming every single fear

You didn’t say it with your words but you acted out

Because your little mind was filled with so much doubt

I wish I could go back and hug that little girl back then so that she could feel

The love of God inside of her that’s real

From her mother who saw herself inside of her little girl, but didn’t know her self worth

But was now healed from the God who created the heavens and earth

I didn’t know how to then because I was hurting myself and tried to hide

With so many things that hurt deep down inside

I see all those bullies, and me trying to advocate for you from and empty shell of a soul

Where I lost and gave no self control

I see my baby who struggled to find your place where you fit just like your sister’s did too

I see that because of that you tired to be the best at everything you would do

Everything had its place and order no matter what you did

Leaving you with not ever being able to enjoy being a kid

I see us on the last school trip you had with just you and me

Little did we know what the future would be

I see me forgetting the gifts that God gave me through you girls and going after a job outside of our home

Where there were many times as you grew older, you felt alone

I see you each with your blankies, yellow with ribbon around, a precious moments and green teddy bear

Snuggled up in warmth and care

I see the last times that I didn’t know would come again

With new seasons that one after another began

I see you all now grown and finding your way around this life that can be hard

I see all the places where I have left you scarred

I see all the things I would go back and change but I can’t

I see every moment in your formative years I regret

I’m healed now, I would do it better and you wouldn’t have to struggle from our mistakes

And because of them watch your heart break

I see the years and moments you were too young to remember

But I keep the memories in my heart to treasure

I see the mother I so desperately wanted to be at the start

I pray even though I messed up so many times you still see my heart

I see all the ways I want to protect you and keep you safe from the things that you do that will hurt you and keep you stuck in the same place

With no way to turn back time and erase

I see God reminds me in my prayers for you

He will use your mistakes to help you learn like he did with me too

I see my beautiful girls God gave to me to be your mother out of anyone he chose me to be in that place

Through you I see God’s redeeming grace

The minutes and miles that separate us and we can only talk through screens

With some quick visits with hugs to take with me in between

This changing season of letting go and looking back on your years

Leaves me sometimes with so many tears

Learning to say something and just be quiet and listen and not tell you what to do

Reminding myself I’m no longer raising you

Remembering that I still have a voice and care

But the power of it is in my prayers

Trusting my daughters that God has given me to love

In God’s hands who created them above

I see everything I want to leave you with after God takes me onto Glory

To be repeated from you to my grandchildren and great grandchildren of God’s redeeming story

I see handed down generation after generation my legacy

That Jesus was and is everything to me

That He set before me life and death, blessing and curse

The choice to forgive and choose God and not stay bitter and feel worse

When it all came down I held on to Jesus as tight as I could

Praying for healing and having faith believing He would

So me and my children would live

And that your heart’s would be open to give

Jesus to come and live inside

And wipe every single tear you have cried

I pray you never forget and choose to see

How you watched with your own eyes Jesus heal and restore me

Choose to follow Him and talk to Him every day

Have ears to listen to Him and pray

Thank Him and remember to keep Him in your heart

Where He has always been waiting for you from the start

Copyright ©️ Jennifer Lyn Fletcher